The snow falls outside, gently, outlining the tree branches, and the patient deck pots which I never brought in. Cody is sleeping, and I've been having extreme-necessary quiet time.
With the anxiety which has been constantly seeping into me, especially these last 4-5 months, my sense of peace has not been gently falling into place like the lovely, unique snowflakes. Rather, I've been drifting along, trying to cope with some of the issues that have hit lately. Inside, I feel disquietude; like I want to bolt or crawl up under one of my homemade Grandma Cora quilts and wait to be with her.
Yet someone calls out to me to be there for them. And, for a time, I can be, and then it hits. This coming Wednesday, I need to be a person who can share God's heart in front of approximately 80+ women. My nerves are beginning to feel this pressure. I don't feel like I should be there, like it should be the other women's ministry's front person who exudes spirituality and faith and confidence in God's design.
I love God, but that feeling-faith mix which inspires is low-level right now. Paul, although heroic, seems once again to be there, advising me. He says, "Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible." And, he advises against running aimlessly but running for a prize, a crown that will last forever.
So, in these verses encountered this a.m., I hear him saying to do what it takes in order to go forth and conquer; this includes conquering fear and anxiety in order to focus on why I'm in ministry -- to bring someone to a fuller sense of Christ through the work that I do. Let your light shine before women that they may see the glory of God. No one lights a light and covers it. A city is built on a hill to be seen. Pieces of encouragement.
Ah, that sounds lofty and scary, yet my prayers this morning just asks for help, to relinquish my inadequacy for God's capabilities, to trust that his Spirit can sustain me. I want to give Him everything that curtails my trust in His work, both in my family life and ministry. Please allow this to happen, dear Lord.