Above on my tab bar (words to reverse!), I have several open blogs written by individuals with Asperger’s. I became aware of them from a friend and now I can’t walk away from reading them. One in particular “My Life on the Other Side of the Wall” by Aaron Leakes, who works alongside an autism agency in town, is especially good. In it he describes indepth, what a social anxiety looks and feels like for him. I’m reading knowing that I get to understand my son better through Aaron’s openness and honesty.
Fortunately, I was a shy child and teenager which has helped me understand some of social paralysis. Only through hard work, intense desire, and some spiritual shoves have I completely defeated it, yet I remember not wanting this for my worst enemy. It was such a place of echoes – echoes of self-defeat, shame, hatred. A battle. But, I am grateful for it because now I can understand somewhat the feeling for my son. It has been helpful.
Reading the blogs of these individuals has shown me both an open and swinging door. The open door shows me the similar experiences, the similar battles, and similar hopes which these people have. If I can learn from them, I might know better how to understand or help. However, I also see the perpetual swinging door of hope, despair, energy, weariness, optimism, depression which accompanies my parenting and the individual’s experience. We swing, and the world pushes their way through.
Each day seems a battle to confront and win. I think, in a way, that’s a universal thing, though, for some it happens in a more intense manner. I rolled out of bed wondering what it would be like to not be able to roll out of bed, what it would be like to be facing a terminal illness, what would it be like to have a spouse leave you, or a child die.
The battle can’t be denied. Life can be tough. A tactical plan must be conceived.
Today’s plan consists of:
Me completing some of my overhanging schoolwork
Me playing the banjo some
Me choosing to be hopeful and not fearful
My son hitting golf balls with dad
My son running a mile with his dad
We as a family being united to be in this together.