Saturday, March 12, 2005

Expressive bones

My bones have been screaming lately too; after church, on the drive back, we hear the customary Asperger Syndrome wails from our 10 year old son: "They think I'm a freak! No one likes me! Why? Why did God make me this way -- a stupid loser? I'm a freak, I'm a loser! Why? I'll never have any friends!" It's a very typical response after being together with kids in the children's church. It always takes our intense counseling efforts to subdue his resulting heightened anxiety. After hearing him tonight, though, I kindof lost it and buckled down into the seat with my hands over my ears to let his dad do the consoling work. It makes me so sad and helpless. So, my bubble therapeutic read tonight was "Pretending to be Normal." A woman from church whose AS brother committed suicide last August gave it to me from his collection. The writer, Liane Holliday Willey is an "Aspie" who writes what's in my heart tonight in this passage:

"My deep dark fear, the one that makes my bones scream, is that there are AS peple in search of friendships who will never find any, no matter what they do, solely because of their AS. With those people on my mind, my heart breaks, for I know the reality that will wound them as they stumble forward, deeply lonely and ever more estranged from others."

My son needs resources. I need to dig for them; why do I feel so immobilized and helpless in the face of this huge wave? I will keep reading this book for a new weekend start.

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