I've just eaten two pieces of white cake to add to the excesses of my day. Now, I really feel contrite.
In an earlier blog entry, I related how I made two promises to women inside the Blue Note's darkened room due to the warmth of wine and friendship. One promise involved touching base each Friday regarding the exercise we did for the week. That happened. The other promise involved shopping in a nearby town with my husband's boss' wife. It happened today, and, therefore, I'm feeling a bit sick. She was nice and all, but I was the problem.
You see, I found some great prices on baking/pottery pieces that match my collection (something my mom-in-law started ~~ country looking Polish blue and white pottery). Typically, they are expensive. The ones I found today matched and were inexpensive (although inauthentic). The store also had great prices on other items: a black courdoroy jacket (I like jackets), a couple of bras (much cheaper than the $25 usual price!), a new pie plate (do I need another one??), and a basket for my daughter. At the checkout aisle, the total was quite high, and I feel horrible still. I'm supposed to care for third world people, and I'm being the typical American woman. Yes, I boiled corn and all and am fairly frugal in other ways, but sometimes, it hits me, and I spend uselessly. Ugh.
What I spend is a choice between me, in some ways, and between making a difference in someone else's life. I know that this sounds corny, but isn't it true? I still hear Momma Teresa saying that if America wasn't so materialistic that we could be a deciding factor against the forces of poverty, sickness, crime, etc. And, I'm part of that matrix. I hate it too because it goes against my identity, how I was brought up on the farm, how I learned to swallow pride and focus on inner strength instead of the masks of the outer.
Alright, I know that this sounds midwestern-hyperpuritannical, yet, honestly, it is a question of how to be. Constant self-gratification, as a principle, is not right because it leads to focus on the insubstantial which can't satisfy. Jesus teaches this a lot too.
Okay, okay, remember these aftereffects of glow and wine and lack of discipline for the future.
Help me to sacrifice, and to be okay with the inside. I am going to challenge myself not to purchase anything for myself for the next two weeks. I will report back to track the progress. Perhaps then I can go another week. Even though I sound frantic with guilt, my buyer's remorse will not kill me ... it's just an awareness of something I don't like and want to change.