Sunday, June 12, 2005

I held off publishing my last piece until tonight -- too raw, I thought. I wasn't in a good place. And, this morning, I woke up disturbed and fretful, but my husband insisted that we go on a healthy bike ride along the river; we packed a lunch; I packed my videocamera. It was hot and buggy, but we sat on a memorial bench away from the house and talked. It was good. It was recorded.

I did pray and did release myself to him-above who then helped release me to resignation of where I am, and acceptance, and a new run at the comfort of "things will work out." They will. Why do I become so gripped with fear that they won't?

Tonight, we watched the movie "Luther" ~~ it affected me much more than last night's sermon that lost to my skirt. Here truth diverged more plainly: wow, such the movement that was born from this man's defiance and integrity. Funny that the old monk married the runaway nun. Romance in everything ....!

I'm reading "Wuthering Heights" now. Heathcliffe is a-mutterin; Catherine is a-schemin; the wind is a howlin'. Lots of wayward movement in this book which matched my mood when I began it this morning! It's quite a dark little book.

Must sleep now!


alaiyo said...

Happy birthday, Teri!

I share your concerns with raising children. So often I feel I am such a lousy mother; I like what you said in your Saturday post about not being a bad mother but a half-good one . . . encouraging, and a reminder that as long as we are making the effort He is responsible for the rest of it. None of us are more than "half-good" at being anything, right?! But He fills the gaps. At least I think so, at least if we desire to do well even when we struggle with it.

Just this morning had one of those run-ins with my own sulky teen (having had 4 others has given me no insight whatsoever in dealing with this one!) where I lectured and he listened with the glazed eyes that so clearly said, if you would just shut up I could get on with my life, and then I came back into the room later and he smiled and hugged me like I was the best mom ever . . . I never know quite where I am but, as you say, we have to learn to trust that it will be all right.

By the way, my own "sulky teen" daughter is now my best friend, though we had some pretty awful years.



Fieldfleur said...

Thanks, Beth, for the birthday wishes and parenting encouragement.
Yai, those run-ins with teens are no fun, are they? Kind-of like digging for water in a waste land, but then, thankfully, you get a drip or a gush here and there.
Smile or a hug or a resumed confidence. Sigh. Are we this hard of childen to God?